Saturday, April 26, 2008

Dream about Mom..


I had an interesting dream last night. It was something that I always seem to wish was real, deep down, but know that it isn't. In my dreams, they jump around a lot and don't always have a full story but small activities instead.

In my dream, Rebecca, my sister, had come to visit. It was just me, Lis, Dad, mom and Rebecca at a dinner table. Rebecca was sitting next to dad having a soft susurrus conversation. I could barely hear what they were talking about but I heard Rebecca asked Dad if they were going to 'visit her'. Right after that, Mom started to look very frustrated and upset. It was mostly through body language. She spilled a few things on the table and got up to wipe them up. She was slamming cupboards when getting a towel to clean up what she had spilled.

I think Lis and I knew something was up and we both had no idea. So I asked Dad what him and Rebecca were talking about, mom looked up at him and left the room upset but didnt say a word. Then dad proceeded to tell me about my mom, Carol.

He told me that he loved all of his children very much and just wanted to keep them safe and not have to go through the things that the older ones went through. I thought that he was talking about her death but it didn't seem to suffice. Dad seemed to know that we wanted to know more and he continued his story telling us that my mom was still alive. She had been terribly sick for these past 20 years but didn't want us to go through a life of not having a mother.

He said that both him and mom agreed upon him remarrying as soon as possible so we could have a mother and she could quickly get better faster. A flood of feelings flowed through me at that moment. I was full of sadness that I had never met my mother and that I had missed out on a relationship with her. I was excited to meet her and see what she was like, if we were alike and had anything in common.

I immediately told Dad that I wanted to meet her. I knew instantly that Rebecca and him were talking about going to visit her in the hospital and I was certain that I would be coming along. Dad told me that he would have to talk with mom first to get her prepared to meet me but it should be too long. Once we got to the hospital, I waited outside the hospital door, Rebecca and Dad were just on the other side talking with my mother that I had not remembered. While I waited, people that I knew kept coming up and inviting me to attend parties and functions with them. I somehow felt obligated to go with them and thought I could be back in time to meet mom. The rest of my dream consisted of me going bowling, sledding, bbqs and all sorts of activities. By the time I had returned to the hospital, Dad told me that they had been waiting for my return but I had never come back and Mom was just too exhausted to stay awake so long. I asked if I could just have one look at her and see what she looked like in real life. I wanted to see her breathe, her skin and smell her scent.

Dad just told me that she was too sick and didn't want to bother her anymore that day and that we had to come back. I started crying because this is something that I had waited , dreamt about and secretly hoped for all my life.

I woke up with tears in my eyes and almost more upset that my dream was not real and that I really did not have the opportunity to meet my mom and to see the happiness in Dad eyes when he saw her. I know that he probably misses her so much and thinks about her often. Every once in a while, I see his nostrils flare a bit and his eyes well up when he sees his girls all grown up. When he talks about how much Laura looks like mom, I can see that he misses her so very much and it makes me sad.

I am not sure if my dream was a blessing or just happen chance. I know I need to do better in my life. I like to pretend that Mom was such a good person and is with out father in heaven. I want to meet her so badly and see her, touch her skin and smell her scent. Ever since I was little, I would pretend that this was all just a joke and I really did have a mother that cared for me and loved me. I am just so glad that I have so many siblings to take her place.

I have Lonnie to talk about mom and what he remembers about her, he seems to also feel it his responsibility to talk about gospel doctrine and principals with us to teach us more.

Jon, well, he is just Jon. he tells you his opinion whether or not you want to hear it because he knows it will help you sooner or later. I know that if time permitted and sometimes it did, we could sit and talk and talk about everything that under the sun and more. He is extremely smart and to me, a bit of a realist.

Rebecca and Kirsten to me took the nourishing spirit of mom. I used to pretend that Dad and Mom would get tired of us and send us to live with Becca or Kirsten. They have really just been our best friends and where we turned to ask for advice. It was a different story if we actually listened to them. Even though we are 1o years or more apart, we seem to have everything in common. I love it. When we visited Rebecca, I wanted my life to be like hers. She taught me abou tanning-- i dont know if that was good or not, I felt so pretty when she let us where her bikinis to tan. When she lived with Chiska and they seemed to not have a care in the world and lived for the moment. She did whatever she wanted. She has the most beautiful voice and a great artist. No matter what happened in her life, she was still her happy, laughable self that everyone wanted to be around.

Kirsten was the one that taught us a lot about life and how to treat each other. She introduced the kissing game that she made us play when we were angry with each other, she told us that when we were angry about something, then we needed to going into a private place and try to put on the most goofy face that we could think of until it made us laugh and feel happy again. I can still remember that Kirsten even showed us the goofy face that she makes when she is upset. Ha ha. Kirsten and Brian were the ones who felt that we needed to experience everything. Like bbq sauce on sandwiches (still do it to this day), going to car races, Disneyland, six flags, the beach, going shooting, sports, sleep overs, earning, budgeting and saving money-- just about everything under the sun.

Benjamin was the cool guy in the family. He is extremely creative and had the most fun games, we played a lot of war games, shooting and fighting games. I think our favorite was 'Bank', I always got to be his secretary while Lis was the baker and Nathaniel would make clothes. He is a wonderful artist.

Nathaniel... He has always been the cheesy one. He tried very hard to be serious and tough but deep down he was a complete goof ball and awesome at it. All my friends would come over just to chase him around the house and play with him, he was always nice enough to entertain them. He usually did his own thing and I don't remember too much about him except that he did anything that Ben asked him to.

Laura, I love her so much. I feel so horrible, I feel like we didnt spend enough time with each other when we were younger. She went through so much crap and turned out so wonderful. Now that we are both married and live a bit closer, I feel we are closer than we have ever been. I love it when she comes to visit. I know she thinks that I only like Damian, it is true. I just love the person that Laura has become and the friendship that we have developed. I am so happy that she married Nate, he is so great and I think he is amazingly funny and the best part is that my Nate gets along great with him!!

Elisabeth, well, she was my competition all through school. She may not see it that way but she was always that better person. She will always deny this but I know that people looked forward to hanging out with her all the time. She has such a contagious laugh that it make everyone smile and want to be around her. She also just laughs at everything anybody says --so naturally people feel very comfortable around her and want to be with her. We fought a lot but again she was the better person and was the one to say sorry even when I was wrong. We used to always talk about how we were lucky because we have been training for marriage a long time because we were twins, always shared a room, and did everything together. It was very hard when we split up after graduation. I decided to stay home for the summer instead of Kirsten's house because Nate was leaving on his mission in September and I wanted to start college. She got really mad at me and told me that she would not allow me to break up with her and that she insisted on me coming with her to Kirsten's house. We still joke about it. Elisabeth made all the decisions when we lived together and it was hard for me to decide what I wanted to do for the weekend or who to hang out with and what classes to take. Since we have been married, things really have changed and our relationship is a lot different but she is a huge part of my life.

I don't know why I wrote this much...may this is just a day of reflection... I better go and clean my house because Laura is coming to visit soon. Yeahh!!

8 comments:

LIS G said...

Oh Anne, i haven't cried over a blog ever... Everything you wrote seemed like it was part of my own heart being expressed. All of the descriptions and memories about our family was exactly as I remember them.

I cried when I thought about mom and getting the chance to meet her. it made me sad to see that you left her there at the hospital, and it made me think that we aren't supposed to see her yet. I don't know why... I feel sad knowing that you cried because you didn't get to see her, and waking up to the realization that you wouldn't see her. I feel those same intense feelings about her. I want to meet her and smell her and touch her... I wish I could just see what she is like in real life. I hope we can have a grand reunion in he end, the whole family together to share time, memories. How wonderful the plan really is. So we can see her...

Anonymous said...

phew...that was hard , and wonderful, and emotional for me to read. Thank you so much for sharing your dream and all of your feelings. What a wonderful person you are. Both of you, all of you. I feel like I am surrounded by angels. You hear people arguing all the time with their siblings and saying terrible things behind each other's backs but we all really truly love each other.
About your dream- I thought it was incredibly interesting that by the time you were supposed to see her, too many other things kept drawing you away, even if it was just obligation and because of that it kept you away from her.
I PROMISE YOU and Elisabeth, and Laura- that the more time you take to think of her, look at pictures, read things she wrote- the more real she will become to you. She can't let you touch her skin and she can't let you smell her scent..not yet. But she can share her heart with you and she WILL..if you just give her the chance.
Funny how all of that is true of the Savior as well...if we just gave Him the chance.
I can't tell you how good it feels to know that you really want to know her. It must be hard to want to know someone you don't even remember meeting. One time my visiting teacher came over and was just talking about things..stuff that didn't even have to do with the lesson. Her daughter in law was sitting right next to her talking about how much she loved her kids and then my visiting teacher said "I always thought I loved my kids too but then I became a grandmother and that feeling became ten times stronger with my grandchildren" And then it dawned on me how important it is to our ancestors that we know them and think of them..how much huge-er the love they have for us is than we can ever imagine. It made me want to give them all the ability to be able to connect with me. I guess what Im trying to say is that she misses you so much..keep on the path that you are on. We are so proud of you guys, what absolutely amazing people you are. I love you so much!!

Anonymous said...

quit it!!! no more making me cry!! I'm fragile enough emotionally with me being prego and all! ;) I echo Elisabeth's reply- There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think of mom at least once, wonder how different life would have been if she had lived. I take comfort knowing that Heavenly Father wouldn't have allowed her to go if we couldn't handle it, if we couldn't get past it. Life has been hard, yes, but how great is it to know that someone we've looked forward to seeing for so long will be waiting with open arms when we pass through the veil. I feel her so closely some days... especially when I'm with family. I often wonder if I would feel so close to her if she had lived, with all the fighting I'm sure that would have happened since I'm so darn stubborn (yeah, thanks dad ;) Anyways, I think we're closer to becca and kirsten cause they were so much older than us, so they were cool, rather than being so close in age, which just leads to fighting. I hope you guys always knew that under all the "I'm cooler than you are" front I tried to make you think, I always loved you, it just took me a long time to figure out the right way to show that love....

Hot MMMama said...

Whew.... I am so glad Anne took the time to write all of this.

I really want to analyze this dream with you... It has some interesting symbolism in the part after you get to the hospital.

After reading the post and the comments, I was thinking (and crying hard), I remember having to get up early for scriptures, family prayers at night and some very fun Family Home Evenings when we were young. One of my favorites was one that we had on Family Unity. We got to talk about our family as a whole and what we meant to each other. We designed a family flag, the shapes, the colors that would go on it, and Mom sewed it so that we could fly it when we went camping, to show our family unity. Also, from that same FHE, we began to write our family song. I remember helping to think of the words it should say and Lonnie and Mom sitting side by side on the piano (the one that is at his house now). With Becca, Jon, Ben and I standing around (dad was on the floor in the living room playing with the littler kids), and Mom was playing different tunes while we sang the few words we had written and decided what we liked best. Then we ended for the night and within a few days, mom had sewn a beautiful flag made of a satiny fabric, royal blue background and symbols out of a fire orange. And she played and sang our family song and taught it to us for the first time:

"We want to be with God again
For all eternity
Bound together is our goal
'Cause we love our family
So we serve one another
We try to be clean
We forgive and we strive to obey
And we work together to plan all our days
As we reach for Celestial Joy"

I know this is what she wanted. For us to be friends. For us to get along and to love each other, it was so important to her. And I believe that Laura is right, I know our family would have turned out differently if she had lived, but I wonder if we would have been forced to lean on each other as much as we do. I wonder if we would have ever been this close. I don't think so. And this, what we have together now, this is what she wanted. So, I know we are sad, I know we miss her. But we have so many more relationships with each other that we would not have had. And that is what mom wanted.

Thanks for sharing Anne, thank you for reminding us some of the wonderful things we love in each other. And thank you for reminding us to keep talking and sharing and learning about all of our family.

I Love you!

christianne said...

I have had dreams about her too. Some I awoke with tears and others with a smile because I felt I got to see her again.

Anne maybe the reason you couldn't "see her" in your dream is because you were so young and you don't remember what she looked like. It's also possible that you couldn't see her because you are on this side of the veil doing many busy things but there will come a time when you will see her. It seems so long when we are on this side but when we are there looking back it won't seem that way. Remember waiting to be old enough to drive, date and meeting the N8 of your dreams? It all seemed so long and like it would never happen but now looking back it doesn't seem so long.

I am so glad that you all are helping and supporting each other. I love what each of you have said. I am glad that you are being honest about how you feel.

She is/was awesome. Human like the rest of us but I love her so much. She would have loved Richard, he would love her. She was my sister and my dear friend and confidant. When she left I felt a huge hole in me open up. One day the hole will heal when this veil is gone. I know she is there, still smiling at me and cheering me on.

love you
Aunt Chris

rubberbucketsaysso said...

Just so Kirsten knows, I'm adding this bit of memry to the memoir I have been putting together. Btw, I sent you a package, let me know when you get it.

Faminy o Chaos said...

hmm...'surprise,surprise,surprise' sometimes it surprises me how deep my little sister is. you hide it oh so well...then BAM!!! make all your sisters cry and even took the dryness out of my eyes.
considering the dream...i agree that there is symbolism...and am not sure what the significance really is.

But...notice how right after you went through all of your brothers and sisters...(notice Bryce isn't in that mix..ill get to that in a sec) and named good..memorable..strong personality traits of each bro/sis. I think your spirit/body..whatever...was letting you know that you have met your mother in every way you possibly can. Each of us children have pieces of her...each of us does things in some small part that she did when she was on this earth. My opinion...is this dream showed you that although you were busy with life...and do not physically know what its like to be with her...you know what she was like through your family. Even yourself and Elisabeth...the infectious laugh you mention...that is Mom. Your ability to think deeper than I was aware you possessed...that is Mom. You have met her...and daily you experience what it was like to have a mother like her everyday you associate with your family (as Chris states..she was human...but as a mother..she rocked).

Back to the Bryce thing. You love him...he is your brother. But it is interesting he did not get mentioned here. I believe it has nothing to do with lack of love..or enjoying his personality..(he makes me jealous he's so cool)...but he isn't from Mom.

You share your dream...then you share all of Mom's qualities....one after another..in her children. I don't know...its just me...but...it...fits.
thank you. I like remembering my mother..she was the bomb ass shiznit!!

Hot MMMama said...

....missing her today....

The gift from you in this remembering together is nice.

...the gift from Laura is nice too...