Dream about Mom..

I had an interesting dream last night. It was something that I always seem to wish was real, deep down, but know that it isn't. In my dreams, they jump around a lot and don't always have a full story but small activities instead.

In my dream, Rebecca, my sister, had come to visit. It was just me, Lis, Dad, mom and Rebecca at a dinner table. Rebecca was sitting next to dad having a soft susurrus conversation. I could barely hear what they were talking about but I heard Rebecca asked Dad if they were going to 'visit her'. Right after that, Mom started to look very frustrated and upset. It was mostly through body language. She spilled a few things on the table and got up to wipe them up. She was slamming cupboards when getting a towel to clean up what she had spilled.

I think Lis and I knew something was up and we both had no idea. So I asked Dad what him and Rebecca were talking about, mom looked up at him and left the room upset but didnt say a word. Then dad proceeded to tell me about my mom, Carol.

He told me that he loved all of his children very much and just wanted to keep them safe and not have to go through the things that the older ones went through. I thought that he was talking about her death but it didn't seem to suffice. Dad seemed to know that we wanted to know more and he continued his story telling us that my mom was still alive. She had been terribly sick for these past 20 years but didn't want us to go through a life of not having a mother.

He said that both him and mom agreed upon him remarrying as soon as possible so we could have a mother and she could quickly get better faster. A flood of feelings flowed through me at that moment. I was full of sadness that I had never met my mother and that I had missed out on a relationship with her. I was excited to meet her and see what she was like, if we were alike and had anything in common.

I immediately told Dad that I wanted to meet her. I knew instantly that Rebecca and him were talking about going to visit her in the hospital and I was certain that I would be coming along. Dad told me that he would have to talk with mom first to get her prepared to meet me but it should be too long. Once we got to the hospital, I waited outside the hospital door, Rebecca and Dad were just on the other side talking with my mother that I had not remembered. While I waited, people that I knew kept coming up and inviting me to attend parties and functions with them. I somehow felt obligated to go with them and thought I could be back in time to meet mom. The rest of my dream consisted of me going bowling, sledding, bbqs and all sorts of activities. By the time I had returned to the hospital, Dad told me that they had been waiting for my return but I had never come back and Mom was just too exhausted to stay awake so long. I asked if I could just have one look at her and see what she looked like in real life. I wanted to see her breathe, her skin and smell her scent.

Dad just told me that she was too sick and didn't want to bother her anymore that day and that we had to come back. I started crying because this is something that I had waited , dreamt about and secretly hoped for all my life.

I woke up with tears in my eyes and almost more upset that my dream was not real and that I really did not have the opportunity to meet my mom and to see the happiness in Dad eyes when he saw her. I know that he probably misses her so much and thinks about her often. Every once in a while, I see his nostrils flare a bit and his eyes well up when he sees his girls all grown up. When he talks about how much Laura looks like mom, I can see that he misses her so very much and it makes me sad.

I am not sure if my dream was a blessing or just happen chance. I know I need to do better in my life. I like to pretend that Mom was such a good person and is with out father in heaven. I want to meet her so badly and see her, touch her skin and smell her scent. Ever since I was little, I would pretend that this was all just a joke and I really did have a mother that cared for me and loved me. I am just so glad that I have so many siblings to take her place.

I have Lonnie to talk about mom and what he remembers about her, he seems to also feel it his responsibility to talk about gospel doctrine and principals with us to teach us more.

Jon, well, he is just Jon. he tells you his opinion whether or not you want to hear it because he knows it will help you sooner or later. I know that if time permitted and sometimes it did, we could sit and talk and talk about everything that under the sun and more. He is extremely smart and to me, a bit of a realist.

Rebecca and Kirsten to me took the nourishing spirit of mom. I used to pretend that Dad and Mom would get tired of us and send us to live with Becca or Kirsten. They have really just been our best friends and where we turned to ask for advice. It was a different story if we actually listened to them. Even though we are 1o years or more apart, we seem to have everything in common. I love it. When we visited Rebecca, I wanted my life to be like hers. She taught me abou tanning-- i dont know if that was good or not, I felt so pretty when she let us where her bikinis to tan. When she lived with Chiska and they seemed to not have a care in the world and lived for the moment. She did whatever she wanted. She has the most beautiful voice and a great artist. No matter what happened in her life, she was still her happy, laughable self that everyone wanted to be around.

Kirsten was the one that taught us a lot about life and how to treat each other. She introduced the kissing game that she made us play when we were angry with each other, she told us that when we were angry about something, then we needed to going into a private place and try to put on the most goofy face that we could think of until it made us laugh and feel happy again. I can still remember that Kirsten even showed us the goofy face that she makes when she is upset. Ha ha. Kirsten and Brian were the ones who felt that we needed to experience everything. Like bbq sauce on sandwiches (still do it to this day), going to car races, Disneyland, six flags, the beach, going shooting, sports, sleep overs, earning, budgeting and saving money-- just about everything under the sun.

Benjamin was the cool guy in the family. He is extremely creative and had the most fun games, we played a lot of war games, shooting and fighting games. I think our favorite was 'Bank', I always got to be his secretary while Lis was the baker and Nathaniel would make clothes. He is a wonderful artist.

Nathaniel... He has always been the cheesy one. He tried very hard to be serious and tough but deep down he was a complete goof ball and awesome at it. All my friends would come over just to chase him around the house and play with him, he was always nice enough to entertain them. He usually did his own thing and I don't remember too much about him except that he did anything that Ben asked him to.

Laura, I love her so much. I feel so horrible, I feel like we didnt spend enough time with each other when we were younger. She went through so much crap and turned out so wonderful. Now that we are both married and live a bit closer, I feel we are closer than we have ever been. I love it when she comes to visit. I know she thinks that I only like Damian, it is true. I just love the person that Laura has become and the friendship that we have developed. I am so happy that she married Nate, he is so great and I think he is amazingly funny and the best part is that my Nate gets along great with him!!

Elisabeth, well, she was my competition all through school. She may not see it that way but she was always that better person. She will always deny this but I know that people looked forward to hanging out with her all the time. She has such a contagious laugh that it make everyone smile and want to be around her. She also just laughs at everything anybody says --so naturally people feel very comfortable around her and want to be with her. We fought a lot but again she was the better person and was the one to say sorry even when I was wrong. We used to always talk about how we were lucky because we have been training for marriage a long time because we were twins, always shared a room, and did everything together. It was very hard when we split up after graduation. I decided to stay home for the summer instead of Kirsten's house because Nate was leaving on his mission in September and I wanted to start college. She got really mad at me and told me that she would not allow me to break up with her and that she insisted on me coming with her to Kirsten's house. We still joke about it. Elisabeth made all the decisions when we lived together and it was hard for me to decide what I wanted to do for the weekend or who to hang out with and what classes to take. Since we have been married, things really have changed and our relationship is a lot different but she is a huge part of my life.

I don't know why I wrote this much...may this is just a day of reflection... I better go and clean my house because Laura is coming to visit soon. Yeahh!!